‘Growing up as a brown girl abroad isn’t always what it looks like’
“Growing up as a brown girl abroad isn’t what it looks like from the outside. My whole life had been chalked out for me–I was expected to be the ‘obedient daughter’ and marry the person my parents chose for me–a Punjabi man. I was obediently ticking off my family’s ‘to-do list’–from achieving good marks to following the house rules.
But over time, I realised the stark difference between how I was raised and how other girls around me were raised. I wasn’t allowed to be myself; questioning elders was out of the picture and hanging out with friends ‘too late’ was frowned upon. I started living a dual life–I was a carefree kid outside, but at home I was back to being a ‘good girl’. Every time I was out with friends, I made work-related excuses at home. But over the years, this dual life took a toll on my mental health.
I felt guilty for being ‘me’ and had to carry the ‘izzat’ of my family on my shoulders, just because I was a girl. My corporate job wasn’t making me happy either. So, I quit my 9-5 to become a fitness trainer. For the first time, I stepped off the path that was set for me.
Years later, I joined an online dating platform where I met Sven! Our first date lasted a whole day… we realised how similar we were; both of us loved being outdoors. What followed was a series of dates and before long, we were officially a couple. A month in, I had to leave for Thailand and guess who surprises me there? Sven! I was so excited and knew there was something special about him. So, I told him about the situation at home. I thought he would leave, but instead he stood by me. He took me to Germany to meet his parents for Christmas. I knew then that it was my turn to rip off the band-aid.
I came clean to my parents. Even though I expected the extreme reaction, it still hurt. That day I realised they’d rather have me live in a loveless marriage to please society, than see me happy with the man I love.
They asked me to cut ties with him, but for the first time I chose myself. It wasn’t even about Sven, it was about me being able to make my own decision; to lead my life on my own terms. But for them, marrying a ‘gora’ meant bringing shame to the family.
So that was it. They cut ties with me. I won’t lie, the initial months were tough, I was grieving the loss of people who were still alive. But at the same time, it was a relief to finally be able to be myself, without lies and excuses. I felt free.
It’s been 2 years since I was disowned. And it’s been the two most challenging yet liberating years of my life. The only regret I have is not choosing myself before. What’s a life lived trying to please others? That’s not life–that’s a life sentence.”
(Collected from Humans of Bombay’s Facebook page)