An Open Letter to my Wife
The moon of this midnight is dazzling in the clear of bright sky. And the light coming through the big window, in our dark cold bedroom, is shining so bright on your beautiful pale face. Smile for me? It won’t be so hard anymore, right? I can just paint it on your face now, with your blood. Honey, my hands and face are colored crimson red with your blood. Never imagined it so red. I always imagined it black like your heart. Or green and gooey as your character. Oh well, you only turned out be a figurative b**ch. The blood is red as Polash in Chaitra.
Remember the first day we met. You seemed so shy sitting beside your mother. Your mom was bragging about your cooking skills. And my Ma was on about how much money I make in my engineering firm. Our parents seemed more excited talking about our marriage than both of us. The bride and groom to be of a newly wedded arrange marriage! Do you remember that day? Perfect day! I could see Polash petals are falling off the tree outside your parent’s drawing room. My first Palash of Chaitra. But the color of your sharee was a deeper red. I could see, how hard it was for you to put on a sharee for the first time. In a way it was funny. But, I could see your face wasn’t jolly or bouncing in the colors of joy, unlike anyone in that room. I could guess few things. Ahh…lazy me. I was thinking about your favorite things. Do you know, I never wanted to be an Engineer? It is so boring and exhausting. All my life I studied and read books as my father commanded. Did you feel the same despise when you saw me? Did you feel like running away? Or slap my face as hard as you could? Whatever it was, you should have done it, right that day. It might not have to come to this.
Oh so many thoughts! Feels like my head is crawling with bugs and worms. The itches! My brain is full of shit and vermin and maggots eating through my skull. One day they will crawl out of my eyes and ears then feed through my body. Well, that’s what my father used to say. For I was so f**cking dumb in math. I can’t remember the last time he called me by my name. Dumbf**k and retarded was enough. Least his attention was on me sometimes. Besides remembering my birthday or any sort. He was very interested in my studies. Always asking about results and insulting on my poor results in the class. Haha! I hated! I hated doing math! But I made it through. Even got into BUET. Directly got into my father’s business. Or what he says engineering firm for Electrical and Electronics. I failed to satisfy him, but after all, I was his only son. I swear he did not drown because of this. Oh didn’t I tell you, how my father got drowned in the lake in that business trip? You must have heard it, right? Let me tell you how. I shouldn’t take all the credits. A full liter of Russian Vodka in his stomach, standing on the edge of the boat’s top deck. All he needed was a little push! God, this is the first time I’m telling anyone this. Oh I forgot; you are already dead. Did you still hear me, like you could always hear when my car arrived from work? You then got dressed up, all pretty and nice; came to open the front door for me. While your boyfriend made his way through the backdoor. Every SINGLE day!
Honey why didn’t you ever smile? I swear your face was telling on our marriage day, it was a miserable day for you. And to think, I was so happy. Who deserved your tears that day? Couldn’t you ever share some of your pain? I had an ache in my heart from childhood. I was always alone. When you came to life, I thought actually started living. Besides, my dad out of the picture, I really had my life for my own now. I thought I found someone to love. But who knew, your heart was taken already? Believe me, first time I saw you kissing your lover goodbye from the backdoor with that sweet smile, I wasn’t angry at first. I could only think, wish you kissed me like that once. I wanted to kiss you goodbye every day before going to work dear. But you refused. You refused my love. But I can kiss your red lips goodbye now, can’t I?
I will try to be straight forward from now on. I will always be open about my feelings before killing anyone. Just so you know, I never hated you. No, no! I only hated my eminent father. I loved you. I only killed you out of love. I couldn’t see you suffer for the rest of your life like I suffered all my life. Being neglected of some sort. Though, you never ever cared for my gifts, or did you? The custom made diamond payel that I got you? I think, I want it back now. But the knot is so tiny. Can’t see well only with the moonlight. Cutting off your feet with this knife won’t be easy either. It only worked better at stabbing you 13 times. I will get the nail hammer. I have got all night to crush your cute pretty feet into bits to get that I want. The satisfaction of…..darn, I forgot the word!